I don't know what to do...

This is about the third time I've attempted to write this entry. The worst part about summer is that it gives you time to think.
I just don't know if what I'm doing is right. Every time I go to an audition or see people my age on stage I realise how far behind I am. I keep thinking I've made the wrong choices along the way.
I chose Irish Dancing over Jazz or Ballet.
I chose to go to a normal high school instead of a preforming arts high school.
I feel like I waited too long to get into community theatre.

I also don't have the personality that usually goes with a performer. I don't feel like a 18 year old most of the time. I usually am taken for a lot younger than I am. The youngest I've been mistaken for is 12.

I'm not pretty or funny either. Another strike against me. Who wants to watch an ugly person? All my favourite performers are all pretty in some way. Audrey Hepburn is one of my idols, and look at her. There's not a lot of room for ugly girls in show business. Me...there's nothing pretty about me. I've never felt pretty in my life.

I know I'll probably never catch up to the people who will be in my class next year. I've seen 12 of their auditions, and they were amazing. I sat there stunned by the amount of talent in the room and how young I felt and looked compared to them.

I've never had anything that I've been amazingly good at, or the best at. I've just been okay at everything. I thought I was pretty good at the Clarinet...and then I went to Honour Band. Not so much. I lied to myself that I was a fairly decent actor...and then I started to do shows and meet other actors my age....not so much.

Still....even though I know all this and know that I'll probably never amount to much in the industry, I still want to be on that stage. Even if that stage is some little community stage in the middle of now where. The seconds just before you go on, where you feel like your going to throw-up and die, they're the best. You think your going to be sick and then you get out on stage say your first line....and your fine. Your on stage preforming and you give it all you got.

I often wonder what my life would have been like if a different choice was made. What would I be like today if we never moved to Canada? What would I be like if I went to Cawthra instead of SJA? What would I be like if I got into community theatre earlier? Would anything have changed for the better?

Maybe, but we'll never know. Maybe there's a grand plan for me out there somewhere. I just wish I knew what it was.

Just sitting here, not doing anything all is taking it's toll. I've never had a close group of friends that I could just hang out with a la The Trio in Harry Potter or the Babysitter's Club or something. I always seem to be on the outside jumping from group to group, which gets me left out a lot of the time. Not that I'm complaining. I could never just jump into a group and feel comfortable with it.

Last year I got invited to one of my closest friends birthday party, like a real one at her house. Not just going to the movies or a show with a friend (my birthday parties). I was so nervous, I didn't know what to expect or anything. The last time I'd been invited to a proper birthday party was in the sixth grade and that was to piss one of the other girls in the class off.

So the past couple of weeks I've spend my days alone, unless my parents are home. I go to the library to get movies to watch or books to read. I go on the computer. I play video games. I walk the dog.

Hopefully I'll start my job soon and start to get some structure back in my life.
Maybe it'll help me look forward to the fall and starting university. Something that scares the crap out of me right now.

Anyways....thanks for reading my insane ramblings, world.
Surely the angst of a 18 year old girl aren't how you ment to spend your day but thanks for staying and reading....

Bye for now
Caitlin